I wanted to touch a little bit on the topic of vices. What are your vices? Mine are drinking and smoking cigarettes. Both of which took me over 3 years of hard work, mistakes, and set backs to be able to manage them. I’m going to share with you the last time I was drunk. I wrote some shitty words about it because drinking makes me insanely depressed and I was really missing my brother.
Anyways, this was back in November, 2016. I was working a volunteer shift for a fundraising party. I was only required to work a few hours of getting people checked in at the door and selling tickets. I enjoyed a whiskey and a few glasses of wine. After the volunteer shift was done I went and mingled with everyone. I didn’t eat much but I drank a lot. As my friends were all leaving I opted to walk the few back to where I would be staying for the night. This walking route took me over the arsenal bridge which were the last know whereabouts of my brother before he passed away. There are pillars that shoot out about 10 feet from the bridge and if you climb the guard rail you can stand on the steel beams that connect to them. Well I had never been on those beams because I am terrified of them. But I was drunk enough that I said fuck it, I’m going out on those pillars and laying down. And I did just that in my fancy dress clothes and shoes.
It was strange being out there. It was strange not being terrified. I was depressed enough that I started thinking about rolling off the side and going for a probably fatal swim. It was dumb and an entirely irresponsible thing to do. But I will say that somehow being out there and knowing my brother had been there before brought me a sense of resolve. I was not expecting to find resolve or any sense of connection. I was out on the pier for 20 minutes. When I got up and left I told my brother I missed him and loved him. I kissed the handrail and continued my stumble towards my destination. Somehow I felt better about everything. Somehow I needed the time I spent out on those steel beams.
I remember waking up the next day and thinking maybe it’s time to cut out the drinking. And I am happy to say that I’ve not been drunk since then. Rarely do I go out to bars and very rarely do I keep any alcohol in my house. It makes not drinking very easy. Anyways, here are some shitty words I wrote about that night.
I laid down with the cold steel
pressed my back
flat, sandwiched, smooth
no room to hide
I thought about death
I thought about the darkness
in the depths of the river below